I love the film Finding Nemo. It was one of our family favourites when our kids were younger. The movie is about a fearful father fish who sets off into the deep blue sea to find his lost son.
Recently, I’ve felt like life has been my deep blue sea. It has moments of calm and chaos, and surrounds me with uncertainty at times too.
My life has been completely transformed for the better, but then for the worse too.
We know that precious pearls are formed when something irritating, like a pebble, finds its way inside an oyster. The oyster slowly coats the pebble in layers and layers of ‘nacre’ to shield its own insides from harm. Well, I feel like I’ve gone through a similar process. I was a pretty content pebble, sitting amongst all the others, and then life threw me a massive curve ball by way of a serious illness in my family. I was suddenly in completely unknown territory.
These recent events meant navigating huge uncertainty, some of which still exists. They also required a complete change in family roles and dynamics; through it all I needed to manage the exponential growth of my role in my business, and take on that of the family bread winner.
And it all began during the pandemic when we were forced to be still and reflect. Little did we know that a massive transformation was coming, and all the brave plans we tentatively discussed then conveniently put aside were about to manifest in a way we could scarcely have imagined.
So, when I found myself hurled into the deep blue sea in December of 2020, all I could do was “Just keep swimming…” as the father fish in Finding Nemo learned to do. Everything hurt and roiled and stormed, but I had to swim for myself, my kids, my family.
I guess this is where I throw in all the water analogies I can to describe how I managed to stay afloat: the rafts, buoys, rescuers and navigation aids. At times I literally felt like Peter (IYKYK).
The one thing that has kept me going and giving me life is my Faith. Faith is the set of gills I didn’t know I had until I had nothing else to keep me breathing. Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” That certainly resonates!
Through these experiences, I have learnt so much about the world, about my Creator, about the people I have and have had in my life, and most of all, about myself. I have felt profound pain and experienced profound love. I feel I can truly say that I now know what true love looks and feels like. It’s multifaceted, multi-layered, and is uniquely defined.
I was conditioned to be strong. As a black woman in her ‘auntie’ phase, this is what my family, society and everyone expected from me, myself included. And whilst this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it does come with heavy baggage with hard edges that can puncture a lifeboat, and even, ultimately, sink it.
Instead, I think I’ve learned to be vulnerably strong. I’ve made up that term, but it encapsulates the power and the agency I feel. Being strong is important, and we want to be there -- stable, calm and reliable when others need us. But that’s only part of the human experience. It's also important to ask for and accept help, to be vulnerable enough to reach out for solace from others. I don’t have to insist it’s always my role to ‘give’, I can also ‘take’. I’ve learnt that resilience has no bounds.
So why am I sharing this?
Well, when people go through painful experiences there is often an opportunity, a real gift, to turn their pain into purpose. If you’ve weathered a big storm, are in the midst of one, have come through it to now sit in a place of gratitude, or are experiencing an entirely different stage of survival, I want to use this space to turn my shock and adversity into some sound advice.
As with all advice, some of this will resonate and some will not -- the key thing is to think about your own situation and take from this what you need, and leave the rest – that’s ok.
Here’s what I now know, while I manage to just keep swimming through the deep blue sea:
1. God loves you
Whether you believe or not, he does.
2. It’s ok to ask for help
It can be so hard to do, even when we need it the most, and we make up stories as to why we’re okay. The truth is, asking for help can be the strongest thing you do. You enable others to feel truly useful when you allow them to support you in your time of need.
3. It’s ok to fail
It really is, the world will keep turning, you’ll learn. Failing means you’re trying, and trying means you’re moving forward.
4. It’s okay to be vulnerable
Vulnerability is actually a show of great strength. It means you’re being honest about your fears and your feelings. It is at the centre of an authentic existence.
5. You have strength and resilience in abundance
Over the last few months a lot of people have said things like “I don’t know how you do it; I don’t know how you cope.” The thing is, when you have no other choice, you cope, and you discover you have everything within you to do so.
6. You are good at what you do and how you do it
It’s human to feel some doubt. I encourage you to reflect on and embrace your greatness!
7. Saying 'no' feels good
When you say 'no' to what does not serve you, you make room to say 'yes' to something that matters. Don’t lose sight of that.
8. It’s ok to be sad
It’s an emotion we tend to hide or suppress, but sadness is ok. The sad times help us appreciate the happy times.
9. It’s ok to be happy
Acknowledging the good stuff even amongst turmoil is helpful and healthy.
10. Joy trumps happiness
Joy is an attitude, not an emotion. Joy is trust in all good things, despite what is happening now. Joy is believing the best is yet to come. I found my Joy through my Faith, but it can exist in people without faith too.
11. Little things and small moments matter
The smallest things and seemingly inane moments in time can make the biggest difference.
12. Tell people how you feel
Don’t hold it in. Be true to yourself and let honesty strengthen your relationships, or inform you which relationships you need to let go.
13. Work will always come if it’s meant for you
Being in an abundant mindset creates opportunities and keeps you open to them. Trust that what is meant for you will not pass you by.
14. What is meant for you will not pass you by
The truth above applies to more than just work. You will find and receive what is meant for you in work, in relationships, in life.
15. Let go and let God…
This is why 13 and 14 are true. Don’t try to control everything or force anything. Do your best and know that God is on your side. The right things will happen in time. Be patient.
16. Whatever you’re facing it will be ok
God will see to it. Whenever things change over time, something new is formed. Life and situations evolve, and so will you.
17. Mind the messages around you
Keep people in your corner and on your feed who lift you up. Surround yourself with radiators, not drains! Be mindful of the words you are consuming on social media, in the news, and in the conversations you have.
18. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks
You can’t know what anyone is actually thinking, and you don’t need to know. You can respond to their actions, but can’t police their thoughts. To be blunt: mind your own business.
19. Hang on to Hope
Things will always change and they will always get better.
20. Summon Gratitude
Life is short, and we never know what's around the corner. Hope looks to the future; gratitude helps us ground ourselves in the moment.
For the last 48 months, I have survived my journey through the deep blue sea. No matter what, I didn’t give up, and I just kept swimming. And now, finally, I feel I’m coming to my reef; I’m even looking forward to what’s ahead. My family means everything to me, and I am blessed. Goodbye 2024!
2025, I’m swimming right to you!